


To Have and To Hold

by obviouslyelementary



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Sweet, deceit's snake, her name is Vanda, you can't convince me they aren't divorced parents so thats the feel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24021697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obviouslyelementary/pseuds/obviouslyelementary
Summary: Janus felt like he needed to talk to someone. Someone he knew could help. Someone he trusted.Someone he loved.
Relationships: Morality | Patton Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 162





	1. To have and to hold

All the sides were already in their rooms when he summoned the courage to leave his own. Janus stood up from his bed slowly, unable to sleep after everything that had happened, guilt consuming him whole. He hurt Thomas, Patton, Roman, Logan... when was he ever going to stop hurting everyone? When would he finally... become good?

Was that even possible?

As he stood, his snake Vanda hissed at him, not liking his sudden movement, and he sighed softly before petting her head and covering her up with his heated up blankets, knowing she would be comfortable like that. Then he looked around, second guessing his decision for the millionth time before he took a deep breath and nodded to himself. He needed to talk to someone at least, he couldn’t leave it like that when... it was affecting him so much.

He didn't change from his pajamas to leave his room, mainly because if he did, it would show discomfort and doubt, and those were the last things he wanted to show to the others. He had to pretend that everything was fine, 'fake it 'till he made it', or whatever. So there he went, on his puffy yellow pajamas, walking through the mindspace quietly as to not awake the others.

He could hear Remus' loud snores coming from his room, before he went upstairs to the 'light side', making his way to their bedrooms and sighing as he walked past the purple, indigo and red doors. He would apologize to them eventually, but he needed to build up trust first.

So he stopped in front of the light blue door, and gently knocked, as quietly as he could. The room remained silent, and Janus almost pulled away and went back to his room, regretting his decision almost immediately. But as soon as he gave a step back, the door opened and Patton showed face, looking confused but not sleepy, which was weird.

"Janus?" he whispered in the dark hallway, and Janus felt his human side burning in embarrassment, his throat tightening suddenly. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out, so Patton opened the door further. "Everything okay?"

"I..." Janus mumbled, finally finding his voice, and took a deep breath to clean it. "I need to talk to you... can I come inside?"

"Yes of course" Patton said, his worried and sweet tone always present. He let Janus through and as he walked inside, he felt a calming, peaceful aura surround him. He looked around, finding the golden decorations to be quite unlike he ever imagined the moral's side to admire, and a small smile showed up on his face as he saw a little glass cage with two frogs inside.

Surely not what he expected, but he quite liked it.

"Do you want to sit?" Patton asked after closing the door, following Janus inside, his voice above a whisper but not too loud. "Don't worry, no one can hear us from within here in case you don't want to whisper" he added, smiling at Janus and sitting on his own bed.

Janus then noticed the small lamp that was turned on next to the side's bed, with a book opened almost to the end. He narrowed his eyes to see better, finding that Patton was reading "The Book Thief", which wasn't what Janus would immediately believe he would read, but it was a very good book. He also noticed that the blankets were blue with cloud patterns on them, and Patton had many pictures hanging on his walls and over his dresser, of the sides and of Thomas as a kid and teenager, together with a few toys and decorations.

His room was... something.

"Thank you for... letting me in so late" Janus said, finally able to speak, pulling the chair next to Patton's little desk and sitting down on it. Patton didn't seem to mind, wrapping himself around the blankets and humming.

"No problem. I wasn't catching any Zs anyway, although it would be very much easier to catch them if I had a net" Patton said, smiling, and Janus forced himself to smile so he wouldn’t upset the side. "Anyway, why aren't you asleep? Do snakes sleep during the day?"

"... honestly I have no idea, and neither does Thomas, so I can't answer you that" Janus said, and Patton let out a soft giggle. "You could ask Logan tomorrow, but I normally sleep at night. I just have been... feeling a little feisty after today's events. That is absolutely _not_ the reason I can't sleep."

"Do you always have to speak in lies or is it just like a... defense mechanical ism?" Patton asked, and Janus almost rolled his eyes.

"First, it is defense mechanism, and no it isn't that, it's just the way I speak. I will try to avoid lies during this conversation, even if they are... very obvious sometimes" he said, and Patton nodded.

"Okay good! So what do you want to talk about?"

Janus looked at Patton as he asked, pressing his lips together in a thinking expression. Truth was he didn't have anything to talk about, anything to say. He wanted to express his feelings of guilt over what he had said and done, but Patton and he had already solve their issues so why was he here?

Well, he knew exactly why he was there, and it had nothing to do, directly, with what had happened between them that night.

"I..."

'I miss you?'

'I love you?'

'I never knew how much you really meant to me?'

'I never want to fight again?'

'Please tell me you feel the same?'

How... did he start that conversation?

Suddenly a hand was touching his cheek, his scaly cheek, and he gasped softly because he did not see that coming, eyes shifting to look up at Patton, who had a very worried expression on his face. Janus was confused for a moment, but as soon as he felt the moral side's thumb underneath his eye, he knew he was crying, and that was humiliation enough.

"E-excuse me" Janus said, quickly, pushing the chair away and standing up, wiping his eyes angrily with his hands as he headed to the door. "I shouldn't have ever come here, I'm going back."

"Janus..."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"Janus!"

He was stopped by a hand on his own, and his heart squeezed so tight he thought it was about to explode. Patton pulled him, gently but firm, but Janus couldn't look at him, eyes snapping down at the floor as Patton approached.

"Janus look at me" he whispered, and Janus closed his eyes for a second before slowly, shakily lifting his head to look at Patton. He was worried again, but there was something else... something so warm and kind in his eyes. He lifted his free hand to cup Janus' human side now, brushing his thumb over his cheek as another tear made its way down his face, stopping by Patton's hand.

They were silent for a moment, and Janus knew he would never make a move. So he did the best he could, removing his defenses and relaxing his body, eyelids closing and lips parting like a quiet invitation, but nothing that Patton couldn't move away from. His hands were shaking on his sides and he wanted to leave, but he also wanted to stay, and so many feelings filled him up that he didn't know how to react.

But the hand on his cheek didn't move, and suddenly, there was a warm press of lips against his own, a touch he craved for so long, that he had pushed to the back of his mind and never addressed, something that made him feel warm and alive, so gentle and sweet, with a nice cookie smell.

 _Patton_.

The hand on his hand let go, and moved to Janus' waist, pulling him closer. Janus himself did not know what to do, so his hands moved to grip on Patton's onesie, holding him close, their heads tilting enough so Janus could feel the press of the dad side's glasses against his cheek and nose, and it was perfect. Oh, perfect wasn't a good enough word for it, but it was the best Janus had in his mind at that moment.

He finally felt like he could breathe after years of being underwater, and he never wanted to let go. Never.

He wouldn't, not again.

Never in a million years.


	2. Not ready

They didn't want to keep it hidden, but they didn't want to say it either just yet. After so much time apart, it seemed that any little twist on the string could break it apart, again, and neither of them wanted that. So they agreed on keep it a secret, for a while at least, so they could get used to each other again at their own terms.

They settled a nice schedule so they could get together and have some alone time. They were surprised when they realized that no one seemed to question their little plans, both of them saying it was the best for Thomas if they talked over their thoughts about common problems and found a compromise. Well, they expected Remus not to care, but Logan barely blinked an eye and Virgil seemed completely against voicing any opinion about it, while Roman was still so mad at them both that he just waved it off as something else he wasn't being included in. So in the end, they had quite the time for themselves.

They liked to be together after lunch and before sleeping. Once all the sides were done eating, Patton would wash the dishes while Janus waited in his room, usually feeding, watering or cleaning his pet snake's enclosure to make sure she was happy and moist. Once Patton was done, he would hear his steps coming up the stairs and would walk all the way to his room, waiting for the dad side to come and open the door for them both.

Once inside, still quite awkward and stiff, Janus would remove his hair, cape and gloves, while Patton watched with his usually excited eyes, and once removed Patton would hold his cheeks and place a sweet kiss to his lips, just to break the ice. And break the ice it did, melting Janus' insides to a mush of happy feelings that warmed up his belly. Then they would lay down, and talk about their days, their nights, what Thomas was going through, how the other sides were, and everything else that didn't have to do with them until the subjects ended and they only had their feelings to talk about.

That was the hardest part for Janus, so usually he let Patton lead the talk, and he just listened and added comments here and there.

That day, when they finished talking about everything else, Patton smiled ever so lightly and lifted his right hand, taking it up to Janus' face and cupping it, the scaled side, gently brushing his thumb over the shiny surface. That always sent a shiver down Janus' spine, even after the tenth time, and he had a tendency to close his eyes at just how good it felt.

So he did it this time, allowing his eyes to rest, listening to Patton's slow breath as he caressed his cheek, gently, as he did everything. And after some silence, Janus felt something touching his nose, and as he opened his eyes, Patton had his face almost glued to his, their noses touching as Patton's warm brown eyes sunk into his soul.

"You are beautiful... you know that right?" Patton whispered, in such a soft and honest wait that Janus almost felt his eyes tearing up. How... could he saw that? With his warm eyes and freckles, his smile that brightened the sky, the soft hair that fell in front of his face... how could he saw Janus was beautiful?

Patton was beautiful... the most beautiful creature to ever exist.

"Oh I know" Janus lied, with a calm smile on his face, and Patton let out a giggle that demonstrated that not only he didn't realize that was a lie, but that he also quite enjoyed how convinced Janus could be. He wasn't, but he loved to see Patton smile regardless.

"I'm glad you do" he finally responded, leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to Janus' lips, making him warm and fuzzy inside, immediately responding and pushing his body forwards so they could kiss more, and not pull away ever. He really oved Patton so much it hurt sometimes, pained him greatly, like a sword that opened his chest and made it bleed. But Patton would never hurt him.

They broke the kiss to breathe, to look at each other and smile, before Patton moved closer and nuzzled against Janus' neck, cuddling to him, making himself small so he would fit in his lover's arms. He would always fit, Janus would always leave space so he could get comfortable and happy against his chest.

He would always protect Patton, no matter how much that costed.

Maybe they weren't ready to tell anyone yet. Maybe life was a bit too scary, and they weren't set to face it. But they were ready to love each other like they did once, and that was all they truly needed.


	3. Baby steps

After they finally told the others about their relationship, they found out they were not good at hiding it, and everyone already knew since day one. Virgil said he realized it when he saw Patton and Janus talking over tea mugs at three in the morning, a time where Patton would absolutely never be out of bed in a normal day.

Remus said he knew since the first day because he noticed how happy Janus had been all morning, when he usually wasn't, normally because he had to leave his warmed up blankets and get used with the coldness of the early hours.

Logan said he knew because it was, well, obvious. He did not elaborate.

And Roman, well, he was the last to find out since he wasn't good at catching signs at all, but he did eventually discover it when he was walking out of his room for a late night snack and saw Janus getting inside Patton's room.

So basically everyone had accepted them from the start and just decided not to say anything so they could take their time. Virgil admitted that keeping Remus quiet was a chore, while Roman said he was very upset at first but a few conversations with Logan made him feel better, so they were all accepting and happy for them, despite any rivalries they had between them.

Patton honestly couldn't be happier! All his friends, accepting of his relationship, happy for him, and allowing him to express what he was feeling all the time?! That was incredible and he enjoyed it so much that as soon as they told, he stole a kiss from Janus that left the snake completely speechless. He was so excited to express his love in public, cuddle on the couch, hold hands, hug and kiss whenever!

But his dreams were short lived. Despite all the others accepting their relationship, the fact that they would be showing their personal sides to them, and would be acting like a couple around public spaces, someone else wasn't quite ready for all that acceptance.

Basically Janus was freaking out.

First, he had never felt anything like what he felt for Patton, for anyone at all. Second, he never let himself be that vulnerable around other people. Third, he was truly expecting the house to come crashing down and everything to catch on fire, so when he found out everyone already knew, he felt like a wave of cold water just splashed him in the face.

It felt worst than he could ever imagine.

So yes, he was so shocked at the moment that he had no time to react when Patton stole a kiss from him, and he immediately felt so embarrassed that the only reason he didn't sink out was because he didn't want to upset Patton at that moment. So he held through it, and as soon as he had an excuse, he left and went to be alone in his bedroom. But the next times wouldn't be that simple.

Patton was always known to be needy and clingy to everyone, in any type of relationship. He loved hugs, kisses and nudges, and thus it wasn't any different around Janus, specially since they were officially dating. So when they were watching a movie that night, all of them gathered in the living room, it was a surprise to him when he reached out to touch Janus' hand at a particularly emotional scene, only to have the side's hand pull away from his and his body tense up as if he didn't want to be touched. Janus never acted like that when they were alone... so what was the matter?

The first time it happened, Patton decided not to question it. Maybe Janus needed some time to adapt to the idea of being affectionate in public, so he gave him some time, simply staying close to him instead of actively touching him. He did that in the first few days, waiting for a response or a touch being initiated by Janus himself, but nothing came. If anything, Janus was actually more distant than before, avoiding all contact and sitting away from Patton during dinners and movies. Even the others noticed, and began to wonder if they were truly together or if it was just a prank or something.

But when Patton assured they were together, Logan came out with the most obvious and hurtful question anyone could ask at that moment:

"So why does he act like he doesn't want to be near you?"

Patton had had enough. He didn't understand why Janus was acting like that, or why he was avoiding all and every time they could be together, alone or in public. So that afternoon, he went to Janus' room and knocked, and Janus opened the door, sighing and letting Patton inside once he saw who it was.

When Patton came in, he forgot everything he was going to say because Janus' bedroom was beautiful! It was yellow and black, and he had his snake free of her enclosure, so she moved her head off the blankets and showed her tongue to Patton and he almost died at how cute she was.

But he snapped out of it and looked at Janus seriously.

"Jan, we need to talk."

The deceitful side sighed and nodded, sitting down on his bed and looking down at his gloved hands as if he was ashamed. The seriousness in Patton's face turned into worry, and he immediately softened up, kneeling down and taking Janus' hands on his own.

"Jan what..."

"I'm sorry" Janus whispered, still not looking at Patton, focusing on their hands instead, tangling their fingers gently so he could feel the warmth Patton exhaled through his gloves. "I know why you are here... I'm sorry Pat..."

"Janus... you have to tell me what is wrong" Patton said softly, gently lifting Janus' head with one hand, cupping his cheek, feeling dreadful when he saw Janus' eyes filled with tears. "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm not good for you" he said, pressing his lips together and wiping his tears before they could fall from his eyes. "I'm so selfish and insecure, and I don't want the others to see me as anything other than firm and resilient, and I can't push that away enough to be vulnerable around you, specially with them around... it's so hard to let go of these masks I use when we are alone, it's impossible when someone else is around. What are they going to think? They will think I'm weak and needy and I don't want that, I want them to... fear me... respect me..."

"Janus... being vulnerable around them isn't going to make them think any less of you" Patton said, meeting his eyes, and smiling softly to calm his nerves. "I know what you mean. I didn't want to show them my sadness either, at some point, but bottling it all up doesn't help. And they all respect you already, they don't need to fear you. That was Virgil's first mistake, thinking Thomas needed to be scared of him, but now that he understands he doesn't, he can make himself be heard easier. That will happen to you too."

"But... I've never been vulnerable around anyone before" Janus said, quietly, and Patton nodded.

"Alright, then we work on baby steps. I won't touch you or kiss you around them, I promise. And you can do whatever you feel comfortable with, at your own time. But please come cuddle with me at night I miss your coldness" Patton said, pouting at Janus, who couldn't help but chuckle and nod slowly before holding his partner's face on his hand.

"Alright... baby steps... and I'm sorry for leaving you alone with your overly warm blankets" he said, and Patton shook his head.

"You are forgiven" he smiled, and Janus smiled back, leaning down and kissing Patton softy, loving how the dad figure held his wrist and melted down against his hold, kissing back with an energy that was so Patton.

Baby steps. That was what it was all about.

That night, when they were watching their typical movie all gathered up in the couch, Janus sat next to Patton again, watching the movie in silence, still and nervous, while Patton laughed and commented all throughout the movie as he typically did.

And when he felt a stir of courage in his heart, Janus leaned to the side and laid his head on Patton's shoulder, and he felt the soft gasp he let out before an arm wrapped around his waist.

In a few seconds of reorganization, Janus was settled on Patton's chest, while Patton held his waist and caressed his side with his thumb, gently, settling down on his comments just to appreciate the moment with Janus.

The others seemed to realize it and Janus forced himself not to care about them, but when he saw Virgil's little smile and small nod, he knew that it was fine.

He was fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh I love these two for fuck's sake. 
> 
> Kudos and Comments are appreciated. Much more Moceit to come


End file.
